Super Mario RPG: The Ultimate Summary
by CielFury
Summary: A sped-up comical version of the events that transpired in Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars, thanks to my twisted sense of humor. The story will make more sense if you actually played the game (available on the Wii Virtual Console in most regions). Rated T for language. Reviews welcome - no flames please!
1. Chapter 1

(Toadstool is playing outside, Bowser swoops in to kidnap her for the millionth time)

Toadstool: MARIO! HELP ME!

Mario: Dammit, again?

(Mario goes to Bowser's Keep, sees Toadstool and Bowser on the chandelier)

Bowser: You cannot defeat me Mario! I am the great –

Mario: Shut up already. (jumps on the chain. Bowser falls to his apparent death)

Toadstool: MARIO! How can I ever –

Mario: Let's just go. (something crashes into the castle) …Oh shi – ! (gets blasted away)

**STAR PIECE #1**

Mario: AAAAAAHHHHH – (lands inside his own house)

Toad: Hey Mario! Lots of people use something called a "door" to go in and out of their houses…Wait where's the princess?

Mario: …

Toad: Fuck. AGAIN?!

Mario: (goes back to Bowser's Keep, notices Exor) What the – ?!

Exor: BITCH, PLEASE. (destroys the bridge)

Mario: Aw, shit. The Chancellor's gonna be pissed…(goes to Mushroom Kingdom, pantomimes entire story to the Chancellor)

Chancellor: GODDAMMIT MARIO THIS IS YOUR FAULT WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK AFTER HER I PAID YOU LOTS OF COINS TO BABYSIT HER WELL YOU SUCK

Mario: (leaves) Whatever…(it starts raining suddenly)…the fuck? (notices a kid [Mallow] crying) Stop crying!

Mallow: Okay…(rain stops)…wait why was I crying?

Mario: *facepalm*

Mallow: OH! Someone stole my coin. Will you help me get it back?

Mario: No. (walks off, it starts raining again) Geez, FINE!

Mallow: Thanks! I'm Mallow!

Mario: …Whatever.

(They confront Croco in Bandit's Way)

Croco: Look at me! I'm rich! I'm –

Mallow: BASTARD! (spams Thunderbolt)

Croco: Fine! Here! (gives back Frog Coin)

Mallow: YAY! Wait! Mario! WAIT! (Mario jumps on warp trampoline)

(Mario and Mallow return to the Mushroom Kingdom throne room and find Mack)

Mack: This star is OURS! No one's gonna take this from US!

Mario: IDIOT! (continuously pounds Mack with his hammer until he turns to dust)

Mack: Nooooo! I'll remember this!

Mario: STAR GET! (receives first Star Piece)

Chancellor: MARIO! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS KINGDOM WAS TAKEN OVER WHAT IS THAT MARSHMALLOW DOING HERE HOW DARE YOU OH WE'RE SAFE WELL HURRY YOUR SORRY ASS AND GET TOADSTOOL BACK!

Mario: Tch. Fine. (steals items from treasure vault and leaves)


	2. Chapter 2

**STAR PIECE #2**

(Mario and Mallow wander through the Kero Sewers and find Belome)

Belome: I'M HUNGRY!

Mario: EAT THIS! (spams Fire Orb)

Belome: OUCH! Well I'll just eat you instead! (eats Mallow whole)

Mallow: (inside Belome) EWWWW GET ME OUT!

Belome: ICK! Taste bad! (throws up Mallow and disappears)

Mallow: Thank god!

Mario: Ugh! You smell bad! You need a shower! (the gate rises and a flood starts) I didn't mean that literally…

Mario and Mallow: AAAAAHHHHH! (get carried down the Midas River and wash up in Rose Way)

Mallow: Whoo I feel fresh! (starts walking but Mario pulls him back) What?

Mario: Shhh! (they secretly watch Bowser gather his troops)

Bowser: Alright losers! We're going to take back my castle!

Mario: HAHAHA he got thrown out!

Bowser: (growls) WHO SAID THAT? (throws hammer in Mario's direction but misses) Whatever. Troops, ROLL OUT! (they march out)

Mario: Loser! (they continue into Rose Town)

Civilian: I can't move!

Mario: (starts poking him) Sucks to be you!

Civilian: OUCH! Bastard!

Mallow: I'm tired! Let's go sleep! (they go to the inn, see a kid [Gaz] playing with dolls)

Gaz: (as Bowser doll) Mario you're dead! (kills the Mario doll)

Mario: What the – ?

Gaz: (sees Mario in the doorway) HOLY SHIT!

Gaz's Mom: GAZ! Watch your language!

Gaz: MARIO! Play with me!

Mario: I don't play with dolls, kid.

Gaz: Please? Please please please please please please please please please –

Mario: ALRIGHT FINE.

Gaz: YAY! Well you just died, so play as Bowser! I'll be Geno!

Mario: (under his breath) Jerk.

Gaz: Hit me with your best shot! (Mario hits him) OUCH! Uh oh, I gotta fight back! Okay here goes…SHOOTING STAR SHOT! (the blast inadvertently hits Mario) …oh shit…(Mario is knocked out)

(In the middle of the night a star possesses the Geno doll)

Geno: I'M A REAL BOY! (runs into a staircase) What a STUPID place to put a staircase… (walks out of the inn)

(The next morning)

Gaz: MOM I SWEAR I SAW GENO WALKING INTO THE FOREST!

Gaz's Mom: Gaz you're grounded! You can only use Legend of Zelda dolls now!

Gaz: NOOOOOOO!

(Mario and Mallow wander around the Forest Maze)

Mario: …What the – ? Wait we went this way already!

Mallow: I brought the wrong map, sorry.

Mario: YOU STUPID MARSHMALLOW!

Mallow: WAHHHHHHHHH!

(After walking around for several days they find Bowyer atop a tree stump with the Star Piece)

Bowyer: Nya! Another 1000 arrows will I shoot!

Geno: STOP! (jumps out from nowhere) That star doesn't belong to you!

Bowyer: Teach you we must, who's in charge!

Mallow: We gotta help him!

Mario: No.

Mallow: Come on!

Mario: Fine. (Jumps on Mallow as leverage to get to the tree stump)

Mallow: OWWWWW!

(Mario leaps onto the tree stump)

Mario: Get lost, you Yoda reject! (tosses his NokNok shell at Bowyer who falls off the stump)

Bowyer: NYAAA! Remember this, I will! (vanishes)

Geno: Uhhh, thanks…Well my name's a clusterfuck, so call me Geno. Now GET THE DAMN STAR!

Mario: Fine, whatever. (grabs it) Can we go now?

Mallow: MARIO! YOU PURPOSEFUL ABANDONING ASSHOLE! (Mario and Geno leave) HEY! WAIT FOR ME!

_**A/N:** If you've played the game, there's a cameo in the Rose Town inn where you can see Link sleeping, hence the Legend of Zelda reference. I was gonna make it a Sega reference to reflect the then-competition between Nintendo and Sega, but whatever. Anyway, thanks to my reviewers so far! More hilarity is coming soon!_ ^_^


	3. Chapter 3

**STAR PIECE #3**

(The trio arrives in Moleville)

Mario: Why are there so many Monty Moles here?

Geno: Uhhh they're just moles, Mario.

Mario: Whatever. Oh shit it's Bowser!

Bowser: So we lost a few troops. Who cares! Fools, ROLL OUT! (they leave)

Mario: Hahahah serves him right! Dumbass, karma's a bitch.

(They go into the mines)

Mallow: Hey look, a trampoline!

Mario: Oh! What does it do? (jumps on it and gets knocked out)

Geno: Idiot…

(Mario wakes up several hours later)

Geno: Wuss.

Mario: Hey it's not my fault someone chose to put it there…

Mallow: (under his breath) Like it's not your fault you chose to jump on it…

Mario: SHUT UP MARSHMALLOW! (Mallow starts crying)

Geno: *facepalm* Whatever…(they leave and find Punchinello guarding the third Star Piece)

Punchinello: The name's Nello…Punchinello!

Geno: Whatever, James Bond reject. GENO BEAM! (defeats Punchinello)

Punchinello: JERKS! I choose you, King Bomb! (throws a Pokeball but nothing happens. The bomb falls from the ceiling instead and crushes him) DAMMIT!

Mallow: Mario! If this thing explodes, we're history!

Geno: This is a fine mess!

Mallow: Let's scram, NOW!

(Mario nods and instead casts Fire Orb on the bomb, lighting it)

Mallow and Geno: YOU IDIOT! (the bomb explodes but they survive)

Mario: …(grabs the star and runs)

Mallow and Geno: COME BACK HERE! (they chase him angrily)

Mario: Look a cart! Wait who're you?!

Dyna: Whee! Let's go for a cart ride!

Mario: The hell, kid? No!

Mallow: MARIOOOOO!

Geno: GET HIM! (they all jump into the cart as it takes off, pummeling Mario until the cart crashes into a house)

Pa Mole: Dyna you're back!

Ma Mole: And Little Mite!

Mario: (dizzy and confused) Bowser I love you…ugh…

Ma Mole: Oh my goodness what happened?!

Mallow and Geno: (looking guilty after beating the crap out of Mario) Uhhh…

Pa Mole: Here, have a Fenix Down!

Mario: Thanks…I think…Oh sorry about the roof.

Ma Mole: Nah that don't matter none! You two! (speaking to Mallow and Geno) Take care of Mario, will ya?

Mallow: (evilly) Oh we will…

Geno: (smirking) You can count on it.

Mario: (gulp) Bye…(walks outside and a beetle lands on his head)

Snifits: STOP!

Mario: …Hammer time? (shakes his head as the beetle takes off)

Snifits: NOOOOO! (they give chase to the beetle)

Mario: …Whatever.

(The party finds Bowser alone at Booster Tower)

Bowser: (sobbing) ALL BY MYSELF, DON'T WANNA BE, ALL BY MYSELF, AND I – oh hi Mario, how are you?

Mario: …? Don't you yell at me or something?

Bowser: Huh? Oh well I've changed, I've been taking therapy sessions from Toadstool! That's why I kidnapped her in the first place, it was an emergency session.

Mario: …(smacks Bowser upside the head)

Bowser: YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Mario: (under his breath) That's more like it…

Bowser: Well since you're responsible for my castle I order you to join the Koopa Troop!

Mario: No way.

Bowser: Don't make me hammer spam you!

Mario: Whatever.

Bowser: Fine. (thinking fast) But you'd better watch your back at night.

Mario: (shudders) …FINE I'll join your stupid army, whatever. (walking into the tower)...creeper.

_**A/N: Originally Chapter 4 was going to start after Moleville, but there wasn't enough content and Pipe Vault is optional anyway, so I skipped it. And yay if you caught the Pokemon and Final Fantasy references, I thought they'd be funny (though I don't think Pokemon actually existed in the US until 1999?). I'll try to finish this fast as I can! Thanks to all my reviewers and followers, you keep me going! ^_^**_


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